How is your relationship with your child? Do you show your affection, talk to him or are you always on “autopilot”? In today’s video, dr. Italo Marsili presents the 8 EMOTIONAL DISTANCE SIGNS , at the premiere of an unforgettable series on children’s affectivity and family harmony
I am Dr. Italo Marsili, a psychiatrist, and today I want to talk to you about emotional distancing. Throughout my clinical practice, I have noticed one thing: people, in general, when they arrive at my office with a complaint or suffering, very rarely can they name this suffering, this complaint, or can count all the chapters of the Story that led the person to look for me. In order to solve many sufferings, many complaints of relationship (between husband and wife, between boyfriends, between parents and children) we just have to name them. We need to name what’s happening. I would like to talk to you today about the 8 points of emotional distancing.
Since emotional detachment is a huge problem, it is not possible to remedy it as a whole, which we can list and verify each of the 8 points that I will talk about below and seek to remedy each one of them.
1 – Inability to show affection: The first point of emotional distancing is when you realize that you can not tell your child how much you love him: you can not give affection, give attention to your child. What to do in this case? We can elaborate some action plans to deal with this point in a more concrete way. For example? Spend more time talking to your child, take you for a walk or, during dinner, look and pay attention. This can be a solution to this point in particular.
2 – Lack of attention to emotions: in this other point you realize that you are not so attentive to the emotions of your children. We often relate to children simply in a functional way, without looking into them, for how they are expressing themselves. We do not look for joys, sorrows, difficulties and sufferings. This is another point that may show that we have emotional distancing with our children.
3 – Inability to go beyond obligations: the third point is when we notice that we can only do the minimum with our children and not more than that. An example: We prepare our children to leave the house and we only dress them in a basic way, we put the shoes, without realizing what they are talking, without taking much notice of the faces and expressions of our children. We are simply “fulfilling table”. When you realize that you are only doing the “minimum” and not “something more,” a good remedy is to police yourself. Instead of dressing the child in any way, choose the clothes calmly, ask her for help, ask her a hunch, capriche the dress, the hairstyle … So we begin to recover the perception that we are not only doing the minimum , But rather “a little more” than the minimum required.
4 – Inability to engage outside the routines: in the fourth point we notice that we are unable to interact outside the routine activities. It’s one thing to do the bare minimum, another thing is just getting involved in routine activities: bathing, brushing teeth, changing clothes, taking and getting in high school, this is routine. That is the minimum of routine, the least of activities we do with children. If we notice this, it is worth proposing new activities to spend more time with our children. It is not enough to think, you have to write and write on the agenda or on the phone: “What else can I do with my child?” When I’m doing dishes, cooking, arranging my work, I can invite my child to get involved in that activity In which he would not have to take part. This is something beyond routine and that brings immense health to the family, because we relate “as people” with the child. We no longer relate to the child as if it were an object that should be in a place, do certain things, and so on.
5 and 6 – Lack of involvement in education / relationship: If you do not read the agenda that comes from college or care little whether or not the child is learning the linguistic, mathematical, historical resources, this is a bad sign. To worry about the education of your children is to worry about what they have most precious: language, children’s skills. What’s the clue here? Be aware of little things. For example, depending on your child’s age range, choose a book to read with during the month; Can be a chapter per night. Or, be aware of the college agenda by reading what is written and writing for the teacher. You can also be attentive to the teaching material and analyze if the content exposed is consistent with the set of values of the family.
7 – Enter “autopilot”: the seventh point is if you notice that you are taking care of your children on “autopilot”. There is no news and we only try to keep up the routine. This is a great synthesis of the previous points. In any human relationship, if we connect the “autopilot” to relate to other people, it’s a bad sign. We need to be attentive to all the nuances, all the wonders and to be with our open heart and ready to surprise us with the novelties of the human universe. As we enter the “autopilot”, we amputate all these possibilities and do not give ourselves completely or completely receive the other. Especially in this case, when the other is our son and we always want the best for him.
8 – Inability to listen to the children: in the eighth and last point we must observe if we are not really able to hear what our children have to say to us. If the child is talking to us, but we do not pay attention, that’s a bad sign. This may indicate emotional distancing. What to do? Follow these very practical tips. A very important thing is to look at the child when she is speaking. In any human conversation it is important to do this, but more so with the children, for they have a very great difficulty in talking to those who do not look at them. If I do not look at the child, she does not imagine that I’m talking to her, but with anyone. A personalized dialogue is then required. It’s a very important point: look at the child when we talk to her or when she talks to us. It is also important not to talk to the child at a distance. If the child is in another room and we at a distance give him an order, we convey the message that it is not something important. Besides the child does not feel valued, it gives the impression that we do not value the conversation or what we are saying.
There are 8 very concrete points that allow us to notice if there is any emotional distance and better understand what it is. Knowing this, we can remedy if any of these points has entered our life or our family.
I hope you continue to follow us here on the blog during the next few weeks, as we will release some content. In addition, I would like to invite you to the Aula ao Vivo on 10/07 , where we will deepen the subject about family harmony and child affectivity. If you want to participate in this class, just confirm your presence!
Stay with God and even more!